I have a set of things that I thank God for, and pray for everytime I sit down and pray – and I kind of just realized why one of the things I prayed so hard for – was one of the things that came back and bit me in the ass this entire time without me even realizing it.
“When you ask God for patience, God doesn’t give you patience, God gives you the opportunity to be patient. ” – P. Abe
With that said – whenever I pray, I start off by thanking God for – the health of my family, friends and animals; (then other things that applied to that day) then after my prayers for that day, I remember I always prayed for these things – I prayed to God ‘that You will let me be closer to You, that You will continue to guide me, and never leave me, and that You can let me be more like You, as you have unconditionally loved me, so that I can spread that love to others, to inspire them and set an example for You.’
That last part, has screwed me over real bad.
I prayed for me to be more like Him. What was I thinking?
Sure, I wanted to unconditionally love people the right way more, but I forgot to realize – God forgives billions of people every day, some for the same things over and over again – and no matter WHAT they have done to him – he forgives them no matter what.
I guess he tried to put me up to the test this year, when I had a friend who lied to me over and over about the same things that he didn’t need to lie about. I forgave him over and over, because I tried practicing that unconditional kind of love. I told myself it was a personal challenge for me to find the strength to forgive him again and let him back in, in slim hopes that he’d change. I told myself that if I really loved him, I’d never give up.. but I’m not God, and I realized a little too late that I couldn’t help him anymore.
Everytime he lied to me, I’d cry and pray to God to let me learn to forgive and accept my friend as He has to others who have done him wrong.. and I did, but things somehow just got worse. He kept lying, about worse things, and I kept getting hurt. Maybe God was just telling me that I couldn’t just unconditionally love anyone I plucked off the street.. it had to be someone who would really see how special my love for them was.
Here on earth, I only know of one man who has that type of love for me – my dad. And just thinking about how much he still loves me after what I’ve put him through – inspires me to continue to try and love people that same unconditional way.. which I think is why it was so hard for me to accept that I had to let go and give up on my friend, because I felt like there wasn’t any reason for me to give up, if I had put my dad through so much pain and he still loved me.. but with my friend, with how he treated me – I don’t think he even considered me as a friend.. and it wasn’t even about forgiveness anymore, it was just about being real to eachother.
I’ve also been sick up the hizzo.. probably because I thanked God and prayed for the health of everyone but myself (: bahh.
