Well I can honestly say right now, that for the past week – I’ve went to bed every night with a smile on my face.
My dreams though, have been so morbid and obscure lately. I’ve been waking up every day with poofy eyes, not because I cried about something before I went to sleep (I’ve been quite happy during my conscious states lately), but because I’ve been crying during sleep. It’s normal for me to have these sorts of dreams every now and then, but not 5 days in a row. I really have nothing to cry about right now, so for the first couple days when I woke up from those dreams, I sort of just forgot and moved on with my day.. almost forgetting why my eyes have been so poofy, but last night – this dream stuck with me, and I remember some pretty disturbing parts of it as if it really happened. At one point, I woke up and wanted to call someone because I was so freaked out.. and then I drifted off without realizing, and I ‘called’ them in my dream, and more bad things started happening again, and I thought it was real.
In one part, I remember I was in my car, tailgating my cousin and his friends to some party, but when we were leaving my neighborhood, the roads started splitting and collapsing into large bodies of water. My car fell into the water, and I was sinking – but I slipped out of the car, swam out and ran back home to get my dad. The weird part was – when I kept trying to tell my dad that the world outside was collapsing – he didn’t believe me, he just kept yelling at me for things. No matter how much I yelled and cried, he yelled over me, and didn’t even hear what I had to say – even if the world outside of our house was collapsing.. he just kept yelling.
And for the next part – I had a best friend who really broke my heart this past year, so our friendship eventually fell through when he started lying a lot to me.. or started becoming more careless about all the lies he fed me from the beginning. There were things that I learned about him that really began to scare me, because he was such a good liar, was really disloyal, and let me believe a lot of things that weren’t true when I really cared about him and loved him (and I really don’t use that word very lightly, I really loved him). I think the reason why this part is so weird, is because at this point – I don’t think I really understood or knew this guy at all, since most of our relationship was based on some pretty messed up lies, and he did some things to me that no girl should ever have to go through in their life.. and that scares me, and just really messed with my imagination when I tried picturing the truth.
I dreamed that he begged to see me again, so (like I always do) I felt bad and decided to see him once again – but when I did, things were so different. He brought two girls I didn’t know with him, which I was fine with at first, but then he started to treat me as if I wasn’t even there. Later, somehow I think we were playing a game, and I accidentally scratched him on the face, and then he looked in the mirror and got really mad at me, because I had embarassed him infront of his girlfriends – so he came after me and (as a warning, it get’s kind of nasty after this point) started scratching at my face until it bled. I tried to run to my car, and he ran after me. He caught me, threw me in the back of his car, and I just remember it was dark in his car, I couldn’t move in the back, and he was driving off. I started crying, cus I couldn’t break free, and the thing that scared me the most was when he kept looking back at me, smiling as I was crying, like he was going to do something horrible to me, and that he was going to enjoy it.
I’m not sure what to make of it.. I’m not depressed, or sulking around. It might be, because I’m in denial? But either way – I’ve honestly been the happiest I’ve ever been since.. two years ago?
So why the nightmares..
